Jim and Charles Fay say that, “A child’s ability to love and respect oneself and others is primarily determined by how well that child’s basic needs were met during the first two year of life.” (44) In order to bond with parents or other people, a baby must feel safe! They must get enough to eat, be warm, be stimulated, feel comfort, get enough sleep, etc. If these basic needs are not met, then it will be hard for an infant to bond because they are the foundation that everything else must be built on! In order to bond, the parents need to establish a trust cycle. Building a trust cycle includes consistently providing basic needs, comfort, eye contact, smiles, hugs, holding, and touch, and relief from pain and discomfort. However, they do go on to say that giving them everything they want (as small children, NOT infants) can make building a trust cycle harder; “Healthy bonding requires both love and limits.” (53) If you are always stressed out and unable to handle your anger, you will in essence, teach your children the very same thing! “Effective parenting is achieved when parents learn a few simple tools so well that they can pull them off with a smile on their face and no sweat on their brow.” (57)

Rules of L&L

1.) “Take care of yourself by setting limits in a loving way” (Kids with clean rooms can watch TV)

2.) “Turn every mistake or misbehavior into a learning opportunity.” (58)

3.) Replace anger and frustration with empathy, “…anger and frustration feed misbehavior.” (61)

*Replace threats and warning with simple actions (Feel free to keep the toys you put away correctly)

*Set limits you can enforce

*Give away the control you don’t need (58)

When we, as parents, take care of ourselves (respect ourselves) and set limits we are telling our children that we are worth it and that they are too! If we set and enforce, enforceable statements we are telling our kids that we are worth respecting and that they are worth being kept safe and learning how to act appropriately! “Self-concept equals behavior. We act according to how we see ourselves.” (62) So if we respect ourselves and our children enough to enforce limits, we are telling our children that THEY are worth it!

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